The word singleness is so strange. The word implies aloneness; it exudes the feeling of loneliness. It makes me visualize something like, "Is it just me?" Single brothers and sisters - when you say, “I’m single” to someone, what are the emotions you feel? Do you say it matter-of-factly, or do you feel your face turning red, your head automatically dropping and your posture shrinking as you say it?  

Married brothers and sisters - when you hear someone say to you, “I’m single,” what is your impression of them? Do you intuitively think about who you can set them up with? If you’re single, do you say, “Oh, me too!” or “Aw, me too…”? Our responses will vary because how we feel about singleness is all over the map… based on so many factors, such as your past relationship experiences, your ethnic background, family influences, your religious history, your gender, etc.

Who are we, single people?

-Women and men who are not married

-Emerging adults (18-29 yrs)

-30-45?

-45+

-Not dating, dating, engaged

-Never married, divorced, widowed

-Single parents & their children

What are our stories? There are so many, and they matter.

Some of you were exposed to hurtful marriages, either of your own, or of others. As a result, you’re either set on staying single, or although you’d want nothing more than to be married, the hurt and fear get in the way.  

Perhaps you recently experienced a very painful divorce, a breakup, and you feel lost, abandoned and angry.

Not only that, but the end of your relationship has now put you in a deep financial strain, and you don’t know how to restart your life.

You have been doing all the “right things” - being faithful to God, treating people well, putting yourself out there… but all you have been experiencing so far is rejection after rejection. And you’re starting to feel like there’s something wrong with you.

Many of you have been really expectant about meeting someone wonderful, especially in the church…but you feel like, "Hmm", it is not as straightforward as you’ve been told it would be. At the same time, you see other people meeting, dating and then getting married, like no big deal… "Ok, God… why them, but not me?".

We want to be a church where your singleness is valued as a necessary part of the body of Christ. I know how you might not feel that way at times. But because of what you’ve been voicing, we want to make changes, together.

In our current social and cultural context, especially living in a city like San Francisco, being single, dating, and living a healthy community life (with both single and married adults) as Christians, it is important for us to have a nuanced, big-picture understanding of sex and sexuality. And thanks to Pastor Ben, last week we had the opportunity to learn about it in ways that reflect God’s heart FOR us, beyond the prescriptive do’s and dont’s. (Before I go any further, this is the time when I ask parents who are here with their children - as much as you might want to prepare them for singlehood, if you feel like your child needs to be excused from this talk, please go ahead.)

It’s difficult to separate the topic of sex and sexuality from the topic of singleness, especially when it comes to dating - so there might be some overlap with last week, but I am going to focus more on the application side, because that’s where the real challenge is. It’s nothing new for me to say that there is so much talk on sex and sexuality in our world. Thanks to Freud, the world has learned to sexualize everything and everyone. His method of psychoanalysis has been increasingly challenged by modern psychological scientists, both Christian and non, by the way. However, his impact still dominates. Against so much noise, some of which might actually sound smart and convincing, we, as the whole church, must have the discernment to know the difference between what’s true and what’s just empty talk, by the power of God’s spirit. In Colossians 2, the apostle Paul says: “See to it that no one takes you captive through philosophy and empty deceit, according to human tradition, according to the elemental spirits of the universe, and not according to Christ.” (Colossians 2, NRSV) The church needs to be a safe space where these conversations take place, so that we can be empowered with God’s truth that will lead us to act, obeying what the world deems foolish.

The reality is (a heads up - it’s going to get quite real), many of us struggle. For instance,

● You are dating, you have the best intentions about following God’s way, and the world around you is talking about sex as something so essential in dating: how would you know you’re compatible without knowing if you’re sexually compatible? Why is Christianity so closed-minded? And you start feeling less confident in your determination.

● Some of you have been feeling confused and burdened by some of the lofty Christian relationship ethics, for instance: “I don’t know exactly how I’m supposed to interact with the opposite sex, especially in the church. Jesus said I shouldn’t be even looking at a woman (or a man) with lustful thoughts! What if I find someone attractive? I mean, I shouldn’t even look at anyone just to be safe, period!" This is not limited to single people, by the way.

● And let’s just put this out there - despite being carriers of God’s truth about intimacy and desires, our culture has taken hold of our minds. Some of us (single and married men and women) are stuck in the world of pornography and other self-serving sexual practices, because we have been listening to the voice that says our deepest desires need to be fulfilled sexually - and you don’t need another person to do that.

The whole church needs more real-life guidance, especially if we want our people to follow Jesus through the confusion!

I became a Christian when I was 39 years old, 13 years ago. Until then, my understanding of marriage and sex were in line with the world’s - and the transformation process was long and messy, but I was determined. Along my journey as a Christian, I’ve read many books about marriage that talked about singleness on the side. The books I was able to find about singleness talked more about being single in preparation for getting married. OK, they are all helpful, until I started realizing that my single relationship status was going to be more permanent than I wanted it to be. How do I navigate, as a single woman, living in the 21st century, in a city like San Francisco, as a follower of Christ - indefinitely? Being a part of a church made my singleness stand out even more. I wanted to get rid of my singleness just to fit in - I mean, I thought God was all for marriage - then why is he not helping me with that, especially now that I’ve finally started following Him? I understand many of your stories. I understand many of your struggles.

Is there an original intent for single people? The scripture doesn’t have specific guidance on singleness. The scripture doesn’t have instructions for dating. But that’s not because God has forgotten us. God created each of you (both single and married people), and he said you’re good, as you are. You don’t have to wait until you get married to be called good. And when each of you, including myself, belong in God’s kingdom through Jesus, God is very clear about how we are to be with one another. So, our singleness and our marriedness, for that matter, have significant implications for our community, and the big Church.

So we revisit the creation accounts in Genesis 1-3. I think after this series we’re all going to be experts on this subject, which is a great thing. I do think we’ll still learn something new today.

If you have your Bible, we’re going to read Genesis 2:18 - 23. As you’re going there, a quick background - what we’re going to be reading is the second creation account. Genesis 1 - 2:3 was one way - a very orderly way, by each day, each in consistent format, etc., ending at the climax of his creation, God’s rest, the Sabbath in 2:3. Then in verse 4, it says, “These are the generations of the heavens and earth when they were created....". What? A different source, different perspectives, but both literary expressions of God’s sovereignty and design over our world, as well as addressing the fundamental questions of our existence. In what we’re about to read, we see a God who is moving about the garden He created, and the first human is created out of dust - different from the first account, where God is orchestrating the creation process from above, through the power of His word. I know this makes you want to go home and read through these chapters in detail - that’s why I shared this with you.

If you are able to stand, let’s stand as we read God’s beautiful creation account #2:

The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals.

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

The man said,

“This is now bone of my bones

   and flesh of my flesh;

she shall be called ‘woman,’

   for she was taken out of man.”

(Genesis 2:18-23, NIV)

You might wonder, "Hmm Minnie, are we talking about singleness, or marriage?" I know, Pastor Ben in his marriage sermon two weeks ago referred to this. And most of us think this is all about marriage - and yes, granted, one of the things this creation account tried to address is the question of human attraction. But that’s not everything. There is something so beautiful here, and it’s going to set the tone for the rest of our time today.

Let’s look at the second part of verse 20:

But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the Lord God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man.

(Gen 2:20b-21)\

To state the obvious, this has been a point of contention between men and women - this verse was too many times used to impose on the opinion that because the woman came out of the man, women should be subjugated by men. But this argument cannot stand because in Genesis 1, it says God created both male and female in His image.

So God created mankind in his own image,

  in the image of God he created them;

  male and female he created them. (Gen 1:27)

And let’s be clear -  just because something came first, does not make it superior (do you remember the first version of the iPhone?). All jokes aside - moving on - this creating the woman out of the rib thing signifies our unity - unity between man and woman (notice how the man’s rib was not replaced?).

How so?

Food for thought - some scholars of the Hebrew Bible say that this signifies God building his first tabernacle. In its original language, the Old Testament is rich in word play and other literary expressions. One of them is the word “made” here. Throughout the creation accounts, every Hebrew word translated to “created” or “made” was the same word - UNTIL this scene in verse 21: Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib He had taken out of the man, and He brought her to the man. (Gen 2:21)

In this particular verse, the word translated “made” is a different Hebrew word, translated to “build.” It’s a word play, because in the Hebrew language, they sound similar. Another word, the rib, also translated as “side”, is the same word used in Solomon’s building of the temple (in 1 Kings 6) to describe side structures, boards, planks…things that are structural. By intentionally using architectural language, the creation of both man and woman beautifully symbolizes God’s creation of His tabernacle (He was in fact dwelling with them in the garden).

We can trace this forward to how John described Jesus’ incarnation in John 1:14 -"The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us" (John 1:14 NIV) - where the word "dwelling" literally means "to make a home", to tabernacle; and to God’s vision for eternity, where he fulfills his original intent for all humans in Revelation 21:

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God." (Revelation 21:3)

And until that day comes, the church, the body of Christ, is to be a living example, an embodiment of this unity, equality and love; when the man says, "This is now the bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh" (v 23), we know this doesn’t mean possession…it’s about unity, love, cherishing and being in awe of his counterpart that God created. Look around you - here are our unique, equal, counterparts united under our Father God. Say to a few people next to you - "You are a unique and equal counterpart."

Married brothers and sisters - was it weird saying this to someone who is not your spouse? Single brothers and sisters - was it weird saying this to, or hearing this from, someone you barely know? It’s ok to feel a bit awkward. We’re not used to seeing one another this way. But didn’t it feel good to say this to someone else, and hear it back from them?

I’ve just asked you to speak God’s truth to one another as brothers and sisters in Christ, part of a healthy, Kingdom family founded in God’s love and respect. Do we truly see each other as brothers and sisters, siblings of God’s family? The apostle Paul deliberately chose this term to refer to the believers of Jesus, to unite the Jews and the Gentiles across all the different cities, from all their different previous beliefs and cultural and sexual practices. It is not something to be taken casually or lightly. And as brothers and sisters brought into the family of our Father God through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we are supposed to belong together and function together as one body with distinct parts within.  

We talk a lot about how marriage symbolizes God’s love actualized among his people. That is true, and it is an essential vision for married people and for others who aspire to be married, especially in this world where marriage is touted as yet another means for self-fulfillment. That’s not the complete picture, however. In her book Beyond Awkward Side Hugs: Living as Christian Brothers and Sisters in a Sex-Crazed World, author Bronwyn Lea says, "Just as marriage is an instructive example for the whole church, single Christians too, model for the whole church what it is to ultimately depend on God."

Single brothers and sisters - you are necessary in the body of Christ. I’m not just saying this to be nice. We are free from the lies that say we’re not chosen, we’re an afterthought, missing out, or second-class citizens. "You can take up space." I know that the lies feel truer sometimes; we’re all going to have to work hard together to embody this truth in our community.

There's an invisible divide between married people and singles, caused by our tendency to compare. I’ve heard both sides. Each of us have our unique joys and challenges. Stop comparing… "At least you don’t have to do this…". Pray for one another. True friendships. Unhealthy siblings compare and contrast, blame, judge against each other. Kingdom siblings are curious about each other’s differences, and support one another - "They don’t understand.” Yes, we can’t fully. But we can still pray for one another, to our common Father God who understands.  

OK, Single people, I know you’ve been waiting for this. The implications of being brothers and sisters in Christ on:

-Dating - no need to follow the empty rules of the world (“friend zone", etc.). See our sibling-ness in Christ as a source of safety and security to become friends, and then more as you discern.  

-Respect one another. Clear boundaries. Dating is a way to get to know someone in a more exclusive/focused way - take the pressure off to make it work into a marriage. Hold it loosely. Ask for wisdom and guidance from God and wise friends with godly dating experience. Remember what Pastor Ben said about Marriage as a Mission. When you are no longer dating (because that happens), you are still brothers and sisters. Take the time and space to forgive and bless the other before God. It’s hard but a worthwhile endeavor.

Summer series events:

● 6/26 Christian Singles in San Francisco - you can show up knowing that you can take up space, seeing everyone as God’s beloved brother and sister - not just a dating prospect. Have fun. Be friendly and kind to one another,

● 8/9 an adults hangout night - food, friends, maybe a game night? Same thing - show up and have fun.

○ The Supremacy of Jesus and The Power of the Spirit - The question is, "Do you really want Him to lead your life? Is Jesus indeed your living water?" We know God’s truth, but we give up on him too easily. When I was still under the power of my old behaviors as a new creation in Christ, I knew I couldn’t live in both worlds -  I said, "Jesus you’re supposed to be my everything, you’re the one that satisfies, but that’s not happening." So, He’s either lying, or I’m not letting him do his work in me. Something in me was still holding back - in his grace, he let me know and kindly and firmly asked me to surrender - put to death on the cross with Jesus. A thousand times if that’s what it takes. Let’s not make him a liar. Actively pursue him, because that is the only way we can leave our old ways. Here’s a frequently quoted verse that’s not practiced enough:

“Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” (Hebrews 4:16)

When I ask for grace, I’m no longer asking for his grace after I chase my feelings only to feel emptier. I ask for his grace to do what I can’t do on my own - his power to point me back to his truth. To Jesus’ true identity as the living water, and my true identity as his beloved. And that is where I want to dwell.

Look at me, this is super important. Jesus modeled this during his earthly life. Pastor Ben touched on this last week, about Jesus’ life of celibacy. He chose to be single (he didn’t have to). Instead of explicit rules about singleness, he embodied it for us, 2000 years ago. He’s not a rules guy but he had clear boundaries. He respected women so much - why else would women of all backgrounds follow him and travel with him?

He saw their sufferings in a time when men did whatever they pleased with women - marry them, divorce them, rinse and repeat… they were powerless. He was done with that. I’m sure the male disciples were amazed by that. He always saw the kingdom in us, and us in His kingdom. That’s what kept him from sinning even though he was tempted in every way - and he made sure to be alone with the Father to pray.

He and his hodge-podge of male and female disciples did life together, traveling together… stigmatized, scandalized; it didn’t matter to Him. His humble, nomadic life that must have looked so strange to the 1st century Jewish people, was an earthly expression of God tabernacling with his creations. When I have moments of sadness, he kindly reminds me of his chosen life of singleness when he was here. I feel closer to him than ever again. This is a complex, difficult-to-understand gift, and it’s definitely not second best to the gift of marriage, I can tell you that. It’s just different.

Let me pray for us.