You and I are living in a world today that threatens the possibility of the collective US. In our quest for independence, we’ve created a universe where we can get along just fine being alone. We can get food delivered to us without having to go to the grocery store or the restaurant. We can even check the box that says “leave at the door”, so that we don’t even have to interact with the delivery driver. We now have the amazing ability to not only enjoy the invention of a ride-share service; we can choose one where there’s not even a human driver. The world is no longer an environment where you have to work together with other people to be successful or have your needs met. And AI is promising us that it can meet whatever genuine relational needs we have.

The ideal world has been created, so they say, but it’s missing one massive point. We are persons. Not only are we persons, but we are persons created in the image of God. And perhaps, if this God was an independent, keep to yourself kind of God, maybe we’d be let off the relational hook. But this God is communal in His very nature. At the core of who this God is, we see that He is a God of love. God could not be a God of love unless He is relational in nature. And if we’re going to image this God with our lives, guess what must be true about our nature?

“To be a person is to be made for love. This is both the indelible fact of who we are and the great adventure of each of our lives. And it is precisely this central task – becoming the relational beings we are meant to be – that is so desperately difficult in our technological, impersonal world.” -Andy Crouch, The Life We’re Looking For

But let’s be honest – relationships can be glorious and they can be brutal. And sometimes the ones that are the most beautiful can become the most fractured. And once you’ve had your heart broken in a relationship, whether a spouse, a parent or a friend, you swear you’ll never let that happen again. But the only way to make sure it doesn’t happen again is to never get close to another human being.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” -C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

Here's the single question I want to ask today:

Knowing we are made to be relational beings, how do we overcome relational loss?

Is there anything available to us in the present or even in the future that will help us deal with relational pain? Jesus experienced a ton of relational loss in his brief earthly life. But he also gives his disciples (and us) a way to deal with our relational losses.

John 16:16-22 Jesus went on to say, “In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me.” At this, some of his disciples said to one another, “What does he mean by saying, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and after a little while you will see me,’ and ‘Because I am going to the Father’?” They kept asking, “What does he mean by ‘a little while’? We don’t understand what he is saying.” Jesus saw that they wanted to ask him about this, so he said to them, “Are you asking one another what I meant when I said, ‘In a little while you will see me no more, and then after a little while you will see me’? Very truly I tell you, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy. A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a child is born into the world. So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy.

Jesus was preparing his disciples for how they could deal with the relational loss that was coming for them. Specifically, what they needed to know when the day came that He was no longer present with them. Before we come back to this teaching from Jesus, let’s consider some of the relational losses He experienced in His brief life.

-He experienced the death of John the Baptist, the one who prepared the way for Jesus’s ministry. He got alone with the Father after this loss.

-He experienced the death of his close friend Lazarus and this caused him to weep.

-We don’t know how, but we know Jesus experienced the death of his earthly father, Joseph. Joseph is present in the temple scene when Jesus is 12 years old, but there’s no further mention of him.

-Jesus experienced relational loss in the form of betrayal.

Luke 22:4-6 And Judas went to the chief priests and the officers of the temple guard and discussed with them how he might betray Jesus. They were delighted and agreed to give him money. He consented, and watched for an opportunity to hand Jesus over to them when no crowd was present.

-Every one of the disciples ended up abandoning Jesus.

Mark 14:50 Then everyone deserted him and fled.

Jesus, during his earthly life, was well-acquainted with relational loss. There are 3 types of relational loss I want us thinking about today: the relational loss that comes through death, the relational loss that comes through abandonment, and the relational loss that comes through betrayal.

To this point in your life, what have been your greatest relational losses?

At this point in my life, the death of my mother has been by far the most painful relational loss of my life. She died of cancer when she was only 46 years old. I was 25 at the time. She never got to hold any of my children. They never got to know her sense of humor or receive a Christmas gift from her. She never got to step foot into Epic Church and see what God had done with her son who used to be such a rebellious teenager. Today, December 14th, would have been my mom and dad’s 51st wedding anniversary.

There have been other relational losses in my life, mostly in the form of abandonment or betrayal. People who used to be very close friends of mine just vanished…for reasons I still couldn’t tell you. I’m not talking about casual friends; I’m talking about people who were committed to being in close relationship with me. I have experienced what David describes here:

Psalm 41:9 Even my close friend, someone I trusted, one who shared my bread, has turned against me.

Confusion is often present when we’re going through relational loss of any kind. And you see confusion present in the disciples as Jesus is preparing them for their own future loss. They first ask each other, “What does he mean by saying in a little while we will no longer see Him?” Then Jesus recognized that they wanted to ask him what he meant by this. He tells them that they’re going to weep and mourn while the world rejoices.

How well do you grieve and lament?

Here’s a confession from me: I don’t grieve well. What I do really well is give myself pep talks about remaining incredibly optimistic. What I also do well is self-protection. I don’t want to hurt or experience pain. But what if my only path to true joy comes by fully engaging with grief?

“The question is not whether you have experienced loss, but rather how you live your losses. Are you hiding them? Are you pretending they aren’t real? Are you refusing to share them with your fellow travelers? Are you trying to convince yourself that your losses are little compared with your gains?” -Henri Nouwen, Spiritual Formation

Jesus doesn’t say, “Since everything will be okay in the future, there’s really no reason to grieve or mourn.” In fact, when Lazarus dies – even though Jesus knows he’s going to bring him back to life – he still grieves when he sees Mary and Martha weeping over the loss of their brother.

Could it be possible that God’s comfort is only discovered on the other side of our grieving? Then Jesus says that “your grief will turn to joy.” I used to think Jesus meant that joy will follow your grief, but that’s not what He seems to be saying. He’s saying that your grief will become joy. To make this point, He uses an illustration about a woman going into labor. She is in pain while she’s giving birth, but she forgets the pain when the child is born. The baby that caused the pain is the same baby that causes the joy.

What did Jesus mean by “ in a little while you will see me again”? There are 3 possible time periods He was referring to or maybe he had in mind all 3 of these: the resurrection, the coming of the Holy Spirit, or the 2nd coming of Jesus.

There would be only grief for the disciples between the death and resurrection of Jesus. But when they saw Him again, they would have fullness of joy. But in this same chapter, he tells them what will happen when Jesus goes away for good.

John 16:7 But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you.

Jesus says that his absence, though it is a form of relational loss, will be a good thing. Because unless and until Jesus leaves, the Advocate will not come to you. This word advocate is the Greek word paraclete, which means: adviser, counselor, comforter, and encourager. The big idea of this word is that it means one who comes alongside to aid or help. If the Holy Spirit were to reside in us and if joy is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, then we could experience His joy even in our grief.

I think here’s the promise Jesus was giving the disciples and us:

-between His death and resurrection: grief without joy

-When the Holy Spirit comes: grief with joy

-When Jesus returns: joy without grief

*Because we live on this side of the resurrection and the coming of the Spirit – for those of us who’ve put our faith in Jesus – joy can be present in our grief. And when Jesus returns, joy will be forever present without grief.

If you’ve experienced abandonment by your parents or a spouse or a close friend. If you’ve ever been sold out or betrayed by someone who used to be a close friend:

Psalm 27:10 Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me.

If you’ve experienced the death of someone close to you:

Psalm 34:18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Response:

-Come grieve.

-Come receive and be filled with the Holy Spirit.

-Decide that deep relationships, even though loss will be involved, are so worth pursuing.

-Give yourself fully to Jesus, knowing He’s giving you a joy that no one can take away.