Happy Mother’s Day: I know this day can carry so many emotions: You long to be a mom but can’t be. You love being a mom. It’s challenging right now being a mom. You’ve lost your mom. Whatever thoughts and feelings you have because of this day, please know this - you are seen and loved. If you are a girl or a woman in the room, would you stand so all of us men can honor you?

I know we’ve been in this building for over 5 months now, but I can’t get over how much I love it. It is more beautiful and spacious than I imagined it would be. Even though I sat in lots of design meetings, it still amazes me how it turned out. But not everything turned out better than the design. I’m not going to tell you what it is, but there is one part of this building where the design didn’t quite turn into the reality I was hoping for. You might not know what it is simply because you weren’t there for those design meetings.

If you look at the state of marriage in our world today, you have to wonder, “Is this what it was designed to be? Fewer people are getting married than ever before in the U.S. Some people just don’t see why marriage is a big deal. Others have seen the marriages of their parents or their friends implode and have made a vow that they will never make vows to another person for life. Some people believe they can get the benefits of marriage without having the restrictions that come with it. If they’re already having sex and living together, why do you think they should care about getting married? Others have been married before or almost got married and they want nothing to do with that again. Too much pain from a broken heart. Too much shame because of what they did or what was done to them.

While there may be legitimate reasons why you don’t think marriage matters or even why you think marriage is a bad idea, this isn’t how God sees marriage – AT ALL. Here are the two primary questions I am going to try and answer for us today:

What is marriage designed to be?

In other words, what is it’s purpose? What is it for? And the other question is this:

What gets in the way of us living into God’s design for marriage?

When the pages of Scripture open up, we read about a God who creates the world out of nothing. God makes something and then he announces that what he made was good. And his crowning achievement is the creation of humanity.

Genesis 1:27 So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.

So he makes the first man and puts him in the garden of Eden to work it and take care of it. And then recognizes something that is off. And this recognition, according to Scripture, is what leads to God’s design for marriage.

Genesis 2:18-25 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Now the LORD God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the man to see what he would name them; and whatever the man called each living creature, that was its name. So the man gave names to all the livestock, the birds in the sky and all the wild animals. But for Adam no suitable helper was found. So the LORD God caused the man to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the man’s ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ for she was taken out of man.” That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

“It is not good for the man to be alone.” And you’re thinking, “That makes sense. Isolation and loneliness are bad.” Fair point. But think about this – God makes this announcement before sin ever enters the picture. Adam is living in Eden. The word “Eden” literally means delight, pleasure, or luxury. And he’s living in the presence of God, as in the two of them taking walks together in the afternoon. And even with having God in the midst of paradise, it isn’t enough. And by the way, Adam isn’t the one making this statement; God is the one declaring that this man needs more than he currently has.

“It is not good for you to be alone.” While marriage is intended to solve this problem to a degree, marriage is not the only way to keep yourself from being alone. We were created for relational intimacy; this is for all of us.

If you are married, your spouse is intended to be your closest companion and your most intimate friend.

My relationship with Shauna started off as a great friendship. I loved our friendship, but I wanted more. She was super content with just the friendship. One day she told me, “I want you to be my best friend.” And I said, “That will be great until I have a wife. When I get married, my wife will be my best friend.” While I was likely using that line as a scheme to get her to go beyond the friend zone with me, it’s actually meant to be the truth for anyone who is married.

“Your spouse is your closest friend. That’s one of the reasons God created marriage. For you to walk through life with the person you enjoy. With your spouse as the primary relationship in your life…The one who knows you better than anybody.” -John Mark Comer, Loveology

If you are married and this isn’t true for you right now, I want to say two things to you: I’m sorry this isn’t your reality. If possible, is there any part you can play for this to become true?

Marriage is for friendship, but it’s also for partnership in living out our callings. God claims that He will make a “helper” suitable for the man. So we’re clear, the word “helper” does not mean an assistant who’s below you or someone who works for you. The Hebrew word for helper is ezer. It’s a word that carries strength and power. It’s used of God several times like in Psalm 121 where we read, “I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.” Adam was called by God to work the ground, but he wasn’t able to do it alone. Marriage is a means to an end, not the end. At the end of wedding ceremonies I perform, I share this line in my prayer following the vows:

Make their life together as a sign of Christ’s love to this world.

Is marriage your mission or does your marriage have a mission?

Genesis 2:24 That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

This part of the text is attributed to God. Husband and wife united to one another to become one flesh. A long time after marriage was created, Jesus gets a question about divorce. Pay attention to the answer, in case you’re wondering if God’s design for marriage has shifted at all.

Mark 10:6-9 “But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Jesus doesn’t shift the design or intention for marriage away from what we learned in Genesis. He affirms it. United. One flesh. What God has joined together is meant to be kept together.

The vision of marriage is to live united, not divided.

Our culture views marriage through a lens of convenience, but Jesus views marriage through a lens of covenant.

A covenant is a promise or a pact. There’s a reason they call what happens in weddings a marriage vow.

“In a covenant, the good of the relationship takes precedence over the immediate needs of the individual.” -Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

If this is the vision, why do so many marriages end and so many others have no life or joy in them? If this is the vision, why are so many spouses divided rather than united?

What gets in the way of us living into God’s design for our marriages?

We do. Let’s look at what happens between Adam and Even in Genesis 3 to pull out some of the obstacles that are keeping us from what God intended in our marriages.

Genesis 3:1-13 Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the LORD God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?” The woman said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’” “You will not certainly die,” the serpent said to the woman. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves. Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD God among the trees of the garden. But the LORD God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” And he said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” The man said, “The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.” Then the LORD God said to the woman, “What is this you have done?” The woman said, “The serpent deceived me, and I ate.”

From what happens in this moment, we see what gets in the way of husbands and wives living in the united, intimate covenant they were made for. Here’s the first one:

A Deficit in Spiritual Formation

God had been clear with Adam and Eve. He had given them abundant access to so many good gifts, but they set their hearts on something that was outside of God’s good will for their lives. And rather than trusting God’s word to them, they are enticed and deceived by Satan’s word to them. Remember this – if God intends to make marriage a uniting reality, then surely Satan wants to use it to divide us – from God and each other.

We are all being formed and the true level of our formation becomes most evident to those closest to us. Shauna sees the worst in me. My formation doesn’t show up most when I’m preaching a sermon here on a Sunday or even when I’m coaching some leader. It shows up when I’m at home with my wife. Am I impatient or kind? Do I listen and care? Am I self-absorbed or have space to show up for her?

If you want to be united to Jesus and your spouse, give time and attention to your own spiritual formation.

Here’s another thing that gets in the way of a united marriage:

Influencing Your Spouse Away from God

Not only did Eve eat it, she gave some to her husband. And Adam took it. Temptation is a real thing in our lives and in our marriages. But imagine what might have happen if either of them would have said, “I know the fruit looks tempting. I know we’ve been made promises by this serpent that sound appealing. But God hasn’t led us astray yet. He’s been faithful to us and He’s also been clear on His design for our lives.”

How could you influence your spouse towards the ways of Jesus in a life-giving way?

Pray for them – not just on your own; in their presence also.

Share a Scripture or a quote that has had an impact on you.

Prioritize your commitment to church and a community of others who can help the two of you grow spiritually.

Something else that puts an obstacle to our intimacy in marriage

An Armor of Self-Protection

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.” We long to be fully known and fully loved, but we fear that it’s not possible. Especially once the other person knows that we don’t have it all together. Shame causes us to armor up. Being hurt by each other does the same. And if we don’t choose armor to protect ourselves, we simply become cold and distant towards each other. This is not the vision.

The vision was shared in Genesis 2:25 – “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Naked in every way. Physically. Spiritually. Emotionally. There is power in this kind of intimacy and vulnerability.

“Marriage is the sort of thing where it’s safer to go all in, and it’s dangerous to go in half-hearted. At the far end, when done well, you see people enjoying the deepest steady joy you can find on this earth.” -David Brooks, The Second Mountain

What are some ways you can become more naked with your spouse?

Here’s one last thing thing that gets in the way for so many of us in our marriages and it is huge:

Playing the Blame Game

God asks if they have eaten from the tree he told them not to eat from. The man blames the woman. The woman blames the serpent.

“Whenever somebody starts keeping score in a relationship the relationship begins to die. A scorekeeper makes life feel like a contest, only there’s no way to win.” -Donald Miller, Scary Close

If you want a united marriage, take ownership for your part in it.

I am sorry that I did this. I ask for your forgiveness. I want to grow in this way.

Whatever your story and whatever your current relational status is, you have every reason to have hope because Jesus has made a way for you to live united with God. He is committed to forming you so you become everything you were designed to be. He will always lead you to the path of life you were made for. He has taken ownership of your sin as if it was his sin. And he was stripped naked so you could be clothed with his righteousness. More of Jesus in your life is available, whatever your story is. Let’s receive His life. Let’s pray for our marriages. What might it look like for you to hold hands and pray with your spouse or to come to this altar and get on your knees together? Maybe you’re single and you want to pray for your married friends or even what your marriage desires are.